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and I’m looking at a blank page now
should I fill it up with words somehow?
the scratching of a mellotron
it always seemed to make her cry
well maybe she remembers us
collecting s p a c e up in the s k y
Last night, she told me that she loved me. And that i did not love her. Told me.
Red mist spreads across my fingertips, ardour slips
I nearly broke down. First time, in a long time.
nothing like this felt in her kiss
cannot resist her
I can’t hide all the time. I cannot.
im getting feelings im hiding too well
bury the heart shaped shell
you would have known if you had ever truly loved someone.
making assumptions. maybe you’re right.
You thought it was the start of something beautiful?
– I hate living between two worlds
– So do I – I am this perfectly regular guy on one side
– and a sexy sadist who takes advantage of his sidekick on the other
– the sidekick is seductive
– she isn’t
well think again.
She is to you what every guy ive been in a relation with – after S. – has been to me. And I don’t care about him anymore. You don’t? No. Nobody has actually hated me before. It has been two years. And he hates my guts. He wanted to marry me; and now he hates me. I have been through pure hell, trust me. This happens once. It will never happen again. Not this.
I…I learned to be alone. I don’t…need…anybody.
Will you teach me?
something broke inside my stomach
i let the pieces lie just where they fell
I talk her to orgasm. Stop. Stop. Now. Orgasms, maybe. Can you give me two minutes? I’m sorry to keep you waiting.
She called you every other day. So savour it it’s all gone now shesmovedon. People who are submissive in real life are dominant in bed. A bet for ten bucks and a bribe of unconditional love. Girl: there’s a difference between a guy who wants to make love to you and one who wants to fuck you. Boy: Both end up fucking you anyway. No, I do not believe you are nothing. It never is that easy.
okay whats next
after the sex
i wont mislead you. I’m sorry.
what do we do now?
finding the time
drawing the line
imagine him having an affair, leaving you. But he wanted you and now he’s just…dead? Dying, in front of your eyes?
She changes every time you look
She doesn’t interest me. That’s all.
People don’t collapse.
Lots of people do. You have no idea.
Lots of people don’t.
and never crossing it
i told you i wouldnt get in touch with you till i return
Don’t look back into black
Don’t let the memory of sound drag you down
youll take ten deep breaths and then stutter one word.
hair blown in an open car
summer dress slips down her arm
glass arm glass arm shattering shattering
in one of those rare phases when we were talking, she told me that she had never loved me. and that i was probably the person who had loved her the most.
It is over.
Yes, it is.
All my designs – simplified
You are scared. You are too cautious. Calculating. I can never be like that.
No it’s not that.
You are scared.
I just don’t want to hurt anybody. I don’t want to be her.
And all of my plans – compromised
You are scared. listen to yourself, justifying what you say. I have hurt everybody ive been in a relation with, since him.
Okay, maybe i am a bit scared
You are scared, and believe me, you are missing out.
And all of my dreams – sacrificed
arriving somewhere – but not here…
– just let me cling to you for a while. I lay her gently on my clothes
Till i find another soul. Then i’ll be gone. She will leave me yes I know
– Leaving me my peaceful, calculated life?
And something warm and soft just passed through here
It took the precious things that I hold dearer
It rifled through the grey and disappeared
The creeping darkness makes the small hours clearer
leaving you your peaceful, calm life, and a scar-free neck
(girl, don’t you bloody understand you’re making me cry? Unravel out the finer strands. I need those watercolour-stained fingerprints on my tee, my skin, my bones, my soul. those scars heal me)
Yes I’d have to say I like my privacy
And did you know you’re on closed circuit TV? So smile at me
I sobbed through the nights after my roommates had fallen asleep. Until i cried myself to sleep. Don’t look at me with your mother’s eyes or your killer smile
Sing a lullaby
I was a nervous wreck and i didn’t show it.
You are a wonderful beautiful person.
Beautiful? You said so yourself, she smiled. Go fuck yourself.
Then what will you do? I’ll do you.
I don’t remember
Did something in my past create a hole?
as the cheerless towns pass my window
i can see a washed out moon through the fog
youre a lot of firsts. the first guy i’m not selfish about. The first time i have nothing to say at all.
don’t you worry
this cold world is not for you
so rest your head upon me
I have strength to carry you.
(P.S. I wanted to keep the original, un-punctuated form – as it was jotted down in the bus from Kolkata to asansol on the 29th of December, between 12.30 pm and 2 pm.
All the song lyrics are from Porcupine Tree‘s Deadwing album.)